80 20 dating
Relaxing into a mostly-good relationship is calmer and more realistic than searching endlessly for the Holy Grail of connection—and leaves you feeling better about yourself as a result.Green doesn’t mince her words here: Holding out for the 100 percent relationship, or even the 95/5, “is a pipe dream that keeps us from growing up and enjoying sustainable relationships,” she says.Case in point: No one is tall, wears impossibly soft scarves, doesn’t bite their fingernails loves to read in bed while classical music softly filters from upmarket speakers—and even if they are all of those things and more, there will inevitably be some other things you’ll find lacking as dating progresses.That’s just how we are, as humans: We dig for fault, the way pigs burrow for truffles. “Realistic expectations result in less stress, more self-esteem, and better relationships,” says Green.
Even if you do believe in the idea of a soulmate, not even your physical, mental, and spiritual ideal can possibly stand up to the stringent list of demands we all tally in our heads while dating.Instead, accepting real life for what it is—and others for who they are, namely people who, like everyone else, have flaws—results in an all-around better life.This doesn’t mean settling for someone who isn’t right for you, obviously.“As our couples therapist once told us, ‘Yes, you are a pain in the ass, but you are pain in the ass,” says Green.
“The point being that human beings are a pain in the ass sometimes—we have quirks and sore spots, we get sick, grumpy and scared.” The first or tenth or hundredth time someone shows their “flaws,” or “weaknesses,” that ghost of doubt can rear its ugly sheen: Should I leave?
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